


Miles from normal

by plantegg



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, M/M, because no one decent has used that term since 2013, but this is very immature so, i'm not sure if i should call this 'crack', it's also tagged 'mature' despite being very very immature, it's tagged 'mature' for Reasons, makoto is a doctor, rin made a terrible error of judgement, there's no sex in this btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-07 03:43:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5442110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantegg/pseuds/plantegg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For day 4 of Makorin week. Rin has two problems- the embarrassing way he's landed himself in the emergency room, and how incredibly attractive the doctor sent to fix his issue is.<br/>(don't worry, it's nothing life threatening-this is to break up all the angst that's gonna go down in the tag today.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Miles from normal

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer- contains no fucking. it's in the mature tag for... other things.  
> also theres brief descriptions of various injuries at the start so yeah be warned

Rin took a deep breath in through his nose, studying his surroundings and trying his best to ignore his discomfort. He took note of his competition- a crying kid with a bleeding mouth and his panicking mother, an unnervingly calm guy with his knee bent the wrong way, and a drunk couple engaged in a quiet but harsh argument about where they’d gone wrong with cooking pasta, one of them clutching an ice pack to her alarmingly red arm, the other with a towel wrapped around a burn on her hand. He’d thought 3 am would be peak hour in the emergency room-nothing good ever happened after midnight, after all. However, it was just the six of them, perched on hard metal chairs in the harsh light of the ER waiting room. Rin was both thankful for and fearful of the speed with which he was to be treated. He leaned back in his chair, wincing and closing his eyes. Maybe he could snatch half an hour of sleep before it was time for him to meet with a doctor.

“Excuse me, sir?”

Rin snapped upright with a muffled curse. “Sorry, yes?”

“Would you happen to be Rin Matsuoka?” Asked the friendly young woman in front of him. If Rin had correctly remembered the information given to him by kidshealth.org before he began his trip to the hospital, this woman must be the triage. He nodded, giving the woman a strained smile.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t read your handwriting. Would you mind telling me what you’re here for?”

Rin froze. He knew this would be coming, but he hadn’t expected it soon. He hadn’t had time to prepare himself for the inevitable, to embrace the void before his fall ended.

“Sir?”

Rin sighed, allowing the last of his dignity to escape with his breath. He leaned in close to the nurse, trying to keep his voice as quiet as possible.

“There is literally no other way to say this. I have a dildo stuck in my ass.”

A trip to an examining room later, Rin learned that there was in fact multiple other ways to describe his situation- the nurse had relayed the situation to various other members of the hospital staff in search of someone that could aid him. At least she tried to smother her laughter, bless her. “I’m sorry it’s taking so long,” she said, helping him into a hospital gown, “December’s the busiest time of the year for us.”

“Do you get many cases like mine?” he asked, slipping his arm through a sleeve and trying his best to cover his ass.

“You’d be surprised. And that isn’t meant to cover your backside, so don’t bother. Besides, the more access your doctor has, the better. Excuse me.” She said, grabbing her pager and studying it intently. Rin chose to ignore the novelty of seeing a pager in 2015 in favour of flopping down face first on the hospital bed.

“There’s chairs, you know.” The nurse called distractedly.

“Do you really think I want to sit down right now?”

“Fair enough. You won’t have to put up with it much longer, anyway. Dr Tachibana will see you shortly.”

Rin’s face was shoved in the pillow, but the sound of her footsteps fading let him know that she was leaving the room. He lay there for a while longer, silently cursing himself for his foolishness. Not only had it cost him his best dildo, but the pair of tongs he’d tried to retrieve it with had been rendered unusable following their trip up his ass. He comforted himself with the knowledge that they hadn’t got stuck too- if that had been the case, he would have been unable to make the trip to the hospital out of shame.

The sound of the door swinging open accompanied with a voice calling “Mr Matsuoka?” brought him back to his current situation. He slowly raised his head, studied the doctor briefly, the dropped it back into the bed with a muffled “Goddammit.”

Of course he couldn’t just have a dildo stuck up his ass and be done with it. Of course the man removing it and witnessing his shame had to be one of the most attractive people he’d ever seen.

“Mr Matsuoka?” The man tried again tentatively. He paused. “… Rin?”

Rin sighed, rolling over and immediately regretting it. “Yeah, go with Rin. You’re about to pull a ten inch dildo out of my ass. We’re at that point.”

Dr Tachibana gave a noise of shock. “Ten inches?”

Rin huffed out a little laugh, sitting up and smirking at the doctor. “What can I say? I’m a size queen. Besides, I’m sure you’ve had people come in with worse.”

Dr Tachibana adjusted his glasses, clearly flustered. “Yes, but, you seem so… Delicate.”

Rin didn’t even try to stop himself from rolling his eyes at the guy, who seemed to immediately regret having spoken. “Doctor, I am a professional athlete training for the Olympics. I think I can handle a fake dick. Besides, clearly I can deal with more, seeing as it got _fucking stuck in there._ ” He sat back, waiting for the doctor to make his next move. He realised, of course, how bratty he was being. However, it was 3 in the morning, he had a dildo longer than his forearm stuck in his ass, and the most gorgeous man in the world who was about to pull it about was spending the time before that tripping over his own stupid words. Perhaps he had a right to be a little bratty.

“Makoto.”

Rin stared at the doctor. “Did you listen to a word I just said?”

“Yes, but… If I’m going to be calling you your first name, you might as well know mine.”

Rin sighed and gave the doctor- Makoto- a smile. “Alright then, Makoto. Now hurry up and get this thing out of me.”

The X-Ray revealed three things to Rin- firstly, he’d managed not to perforate his colon, which was fortunate. Secondly, only things with a flared base should be inserted into one’s asshole. Thirdly, Makoto had a wicked sense of humour underneath his shyness, and a smile to match. He’d become far less shy and confused as the examination went on, even managing to match Rin’s tired banter with jokes of his own. Moving on from the x-ray, Rin found himself in a different room, watching Makoto as he gathered the necessary items for the removal.

“Are you sure you’re comfortable with me getting it out?” Makoto asked, adjusting his glasses nervously. Rin sighed.

“Yes, of course I am. Otherwise I would have asked for someone else earlier. Besides, the fewer people that know about this, the better.”

“Alright. I’m going to need to administer anaesthetic. It might sting a little. Do you want to hold my hand?”

Rin gave Makoto a smack on the shoulder, partially to berate him for his sarcasm, mostly to feel how muscular his shoulders were. The answer: very. “If I can take a dildo longer than my forearm up my ass, I can take a little needle. Go ahead”

Rin found himself regretting that decision shortly afterwards.

“Might sting a little my ass,” he muttered, letting Makoto roll him over and raise his legs, “That was worse than getting it stuck up there in the first place.”

“That can’t be right.” Makoto said, pulling on a pair of rubber gloves. “Now, I need to you attempt the Valsalva Manoeuvre. If we’re lucky, I can get it out with my hands and we won’t need a speculum.”

“The what? That sounds like some kind of dance. And besides, I couldn’t get it out with my fingers. We’ll probably need a speculum. Whatever that is.”

“A speculum is one of these,” Makoto held up what looked like pliers with a beak attached, “The Valsalva Manoeuvre is this,” he pinched his nose and breathed out heavily through it, “and my fingers are a lot longer than yours, so it’ll probably work. You didn’t get it that deep.”

“So that’s what that’s called.” Rin mused, watching Makoto slick up his gloves before grabbing his nose and breathing out. “I don’t think that did anything.”

“You’d be surprised. Relax, please.”

“You know,” Rin grunted as Makoto slid his finger inside of him, “Usually I get the guy to buy me dinner before he sticks his hand up my ass.”

Makoto kept his gaze between Rin’s legs, eyebrows drawn together in concentration. “I’ll get you dinner later. And I won’t need my whole hand. I feel like this might be breaking some kind of rule about appropriate conduct towards patients, but I’ll ask anyway because I’m curious; can you get a hand up here?”

Rin snorted. “No. I like big dicks, but I draw the line well before fisting. Your glasses are falling, by the way.” He reached down and slowly pushed them back up Makoto’s nose.

“Thanks. We’re almost done. Deep breaths.”

Rin breathed out slowly, and the dildo left his ass. Finally.

“You wanna keep this?” Makoto asked, holding it up and studying it.

“Hell no.” Rin said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

Makoto turned the dildo over in his gloved hands, holding it at arms length with a shocked expression. “Jesus Christ! How the hell did you get it inside of you in the first place?”

“Talent and practice. What’s scary is that it’s meant for a vagina. Those things are six inches deep at most. What kind of vagina could fit something like that in there?” Rin replied, swinging his legs off the bed & straightening his hospital gown.

“Clearly a medical anomaly. I won’t have to deal with any medial anomalies tonight, however- mostly because by now it’s counted as day, but also because my shift’s over. Meaning I can get you that dinner now.”

“Makoto, it’s 4 am. Where the hell would we get dinner from?”

“There’s a place around the corner that’s open 24/7.”

“This is definitely breaking some kind of rule about conduct towards patients.”

“You’re not my patient anymore. I fixed you. Perfectly legal.”

Rin looked up at Makoto as he shuffled awkwardly and pushed his glasses up his nose. “We don’t have to, though. Not if you’re uncomfortable.”

Rin sighed. Sure, the guy had just pulled a dildo out of his ass. But he was gorgeous, and hilarious. There were worse ways to get a date.

“I'll go get my clothes back. You should wash your hands first.”

**Author's Note:**

> shout out to kidshealth.org for telling me everything i needed to know about what goes down in the er  
> this is a meet ugly au that spiraled wildly out of control and im so so sorry  
> if you want more sin feel free to meme me up on twitter im @sinmatsuoka and im ready to party  
> also yes makoto was wearing gloves so washing his hands is unnecessary but i wanted a cool fun line to end the fic with dont hurt me


End file.
